Transitions

The past week has been pretty hectic. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I not only had finals for my FU-BEST semester, I also had my first week of classes for my new semester on the actual FU. Wednesday night I celebrated with a dinner with my host family at their house, Thursday night we had our goodbye dinner for the program, and Friday night was our goodbye party. I'm pretty sure my new roommates think I'm either dead or completely crazy, because I've seen like twice since I moved in.. Whoops.

Tests were difficult, but predictable. New classes are always interesting. I'm taking one on American Foreign and Security Policy- but in German, and another on Peace and Conflict. Those are both in addition to two German language classes. It has been a bit hard to motivate myself to want to go to class, even though I love the material, because for the first time in my life, I live somewhere with good weather! Seattle winters with Juneau summers are not the best environment to work on a tan, but certainly conducive to good study habits! Today was over 70 degrees and I spent my Sunday biking through downtown, flee marketing, reading in a park, enjoying coffee Kreuzburg, and grilling with some friends.

(this next part was written a few hours later, and there is a noticeable change in tone)

The other reason it's been hard to motivate myself is that for many of the friends I've made in Germany, they've already started their summer. Only ten of the sixty students are staying for the summer semester, so I'm having to say good bye, once more, to people. Their presence is like a blip on my life, over as fast as it's come. I know that we keep in touch with the ones we care about the most, and seeing as though I'm still good friends with people I lived in Bremen with, I don't worry about losing touch, but there is something very difficult to let go of when these people have experienced this unexplainable time with me- a time of growth, of reflection, of community.

I had a few friends over the other night and as we ate red curry by candlelight, we began discussing our time in college and in Berlin and lessons we've learned from both. Each have taught me different, but equally valuable, things and have implanted seeds or intellectual, emotional, and academic growth. However, even after multiple study abroads, 3/4 of a Jesuit education, and a fantastic home life, I find myself as this point still very frustrated and unfulfilled. Frustrated with myself, mostly, but also with my environment, my friends, my communities. Disappointed by unfulfilled expectations. It was only upon this realization that I realized how many bitter and negative feelings I have been harboring. Against others, against myself. My negativity, and the insecurities from which much of it springs, has hindered friendships and relationships, has kept me from expanding healthy boundaries and allowing others in.

I don't want to overly analyze what I'm feeling or set a list of goals, because knowing my perfectionist and competitive nature, I think it would be conter- productive. I just wanted to put these feelings down on paper (or at least virtually) and be vulnerable with my online community. I appreciate the fact that you have taken the time out of your day to read this.

in peace and love,
Tess